I have had the most horrific two weeks off my life with Mum being in I.C.U, H.D.U. and only now stable on Ward 6 in the last two days including amputation of her leg. On the last day of my chemo, Mum was in H.D.U, I took my pole with saline and magnesium, and walked into H.D.U and just smiled at Mum – it was nice being with her even though we both felt god awful. I just lay my head on the bed beside her for a little rest and then it was time to leave H.D.U so the nurses could change my bag and a warm smile for Mum and told her I would see her tomorrow or the next day.
Our family sure are having a rough time with Mum and me. I am not concerned with myself anymore; I am so worried about Mum. I still ring the hospital each night to before I go to sleep, so, I can sleep, knowing she is o.k. and all the computers are punching out the perfect numbers. Life support is the most revolting thing I have ever witnessed.
As usual I feel dreadful – mmm situation normal really, but I say “last day I feel this bad, tomorrow maybe it will be less and one day less feeling this way for sure”. I am just so tired – getting through my ugliness, forcing myself to eat food that has no taste, and things that just don’t taste how they ought to. I put on 4kg in one night from all the fluid they pumped into me on chemo last week and I am sure I totalled out around 5 – 8 extra kilos, I feel so fat and am worried I won’t fit my jeans when I drive out and see my workmates on Friday.
My nails are all falling off my feet – they just go black like someone has dropped a brick on them and before you know it your toe nail is one ugly mess, I am counting #4 that has gone black, two have fallen off, two yet to fall off. My fingernails have moons down to almost the tip of my finger! It has only a 4mm clearance! They are starting to look crooked too. Cripes, what else is going to happen to me………..? feeling sick is one of the worst, but all the other things no one tells you about is unbelievable, like interrupted sleep for a constant six months – sleep all the night through? When was that? I can’t remember what that feels like.
Food isn’t food or enjoyment. Being tired is something you accept as normal; I should stop complaining about it quite honestly, having energy is so unfamiliar to me now. Blood transfusions – I have lost count and I have bought $25 worth of Kidney and Liver so I don’t have to have another one, because sure as night follows day, by the end of the month my blood count will be in the gutter if I don’t do something about it and the last thing I want is another stabbing of a 22 gauge needle in a vein that is so pathetic it hurts having the blood pumped into it every beat.
Making sure I visit Mum who is always on my mind, on her own up there in the hospital, with no conception of how she is feeling with no leg, and walking up that sodding hill to the hospital doors and seeing Mum tires me. I have to see Mum every day or I feel so damn guilty, but I feel terrible and am so tired – Mum says,,, “don’t tire yourself out – you should have stayed home”…. – but how can I do this? when I am just lying on a sofa feeling terrible thinking all the time I should be visiting Mum, so, I get in my car and visit her because afterwards I feel better and everything is o.k. and I then can rest…………………. But soon I will have to really rest, perhaps when I am seeing real progress with Mum and she is not so fragile – perhaps after another week.